Back Home
Howdy everyone,
As I have been back in Texas and living back at home with my family, I have had time to observe and reflect on my time in East Texas and how this small area has shaped me into the person I am today and who I aspire to be. I have always felt out of place here, ever since I was a little girl. However, after moving out of my parents house at 18 and living on my own, I, much to my own surprise, have developed a soft spot in my heart for this little speck of pine trees in the vast state of Texas. This will always be my home. These people, this place, these small towns connected by a series of highways, gravel roads and dirt roads will always be my childhood and my soul, regardless if I want to admit it all the time or not. My memories are here. My family is here. My heart is here. Even as I sit here in my favorite coffee shop writing this with 2 weeks and 5 days left before venturing on, a little part of me is sad about having to leave my home once again.
Once I returned from Michigan, I was chomping at the bit to move on to the next great adventure. The idea of coming back and living back at home was my personal version of hell, or so it seemed. Unfortunately through a series of incredibly disappointing and unfortunate events, that is exactly what happened. I had always dreamed of leaving and never looking back from my small town where everyone knew everything about everyone. At the time, the idea of being here and seemingly “coming back” seemed like a personal dig, or an announcement of failure. It’s safe to say I was less than pleased to come back home and have to go through the whole debacle of disappointing looks and the feigning “Oh, well look who is back”. However, although I have had to deal with a quite a few questions of why I was back, where I have been for the last 3-4 years, and what happened, I have been overwhelmingly met with love, excitement for my future, and support. This time back home has also helped me kind of stop, look around, take in everything going around me and realize that although I have never planned for this to be my permanent home, and that has not changed, there is absolutely nothing wrong with living in a small town where there is a sense of community, friendship, support. There is a beauty in the slow living. Where county roads, sweet tea, churches on every corner, “bless your hearts”, and an intense love and devotion to hunting and fishing(which I will never understand) intersect, there is my childhood. I will always be appreciative of everything this place has brought me and grown me into.
Being home has allowed me time to be around my family and not miss out on events in my brothers lives, these are the things that have been the most important to me and that I will miss most when I move in just a couple short weeks. I will miss being able to just be in the same home as my family, which I have not done in quite a few years.
I will miss being able to just sit on the couch with my dad in his recliner and watching car restoration shows, even though I have close to zero knowledge on cars or even what is happening in the shows, or at night, crime related shows. I will miss just having the knowledge and assurance that if I do happen to get a flat tire on the side of the highway, my dad can be there within 30 minutes with seemingly every tool from the tool box that we could “maybe” need and my car would be ready to go within 20 minutes. And then later, me being taught how to fix a flat tire(thank you daddyo). I will miss being told by my dad that he loves me and being called “goose” every time I leave the house. I will miss being able to go get my nails done with my mom and laughing about silly things that only we seem to find funny. I will miss being able to talk to my mom about anything while sitting at the counter and she is cooking dinner or folding clothes or just anything. I will miss being excited to find a new flavor of the chocolates we like so much and trying them while comparing them to the other flavors that we enjoy. I will miss waking up in the morning and finding just enough coffee left in the coffee pot for me after she has already left for work.
I will miss being able to ride around in the car with my teenage brother, and us talking about school, college, music, his friends, his plans for the future, conversations that are probably trivial to him but are some of the most cherished memories I have with him and that mean so much to me. He is going to do such great things and I am so excited to watch him become the amazing person I know he will become. I will miss being able to pick up my youngest brother and ask him how school was, what he did and only get one word responses in return. I will miss being able to help him with his homework and also listening to him talk about rodeo things and watching him put together these incredibly intricate legos, that I am honestly still impressed that he can figure out how to put together. He is has so much light and optimism in him and he is such an amazing, smart kid. I am proud to call both of the boys my brothers.
So as excited as I am to go on another adventure, this time at home has brought me a sense of peace and gratitude of being around my family or my town that I do not remember really appreciating until coming back. These are the reasons why leaving is bittersweet to me this time around, I can safely and unapologetically say that I will miss home. I am grateful for my time back in East Texas, and it has been a very surprising turn of attitude for me. From being very very against coming back to now shedding tears over the short time I have left before having to say goodbye again. I can honestly say I did not see this coming. So here’s to slowing down, living in the moment, appreciating the little things, and not immediately planning the next grand adventure. And take it from me, go back home for a bit and spend time with your family.
Thank you, N