Under Pressure (Natalee’s Version)

Howdy everyone,

I took a break from posting in February due to the lack of inspiration and the craziness of life. I apologize for the missing post but here we are in March, and I am happy to be back writing. I will admit, I have had a hard time figuring out what to write for the past few months and even if it has not been noticed by you readers, I can tell a difference in the quality of my posts and would like to apologize for this. I have found that I have begun overthinking these writings and try to exude perfection, which is reflected in these musings. It has taken an effect that makes me feel like I must be careful with what I write since I know majority of you guys that are reading these. However, at the end of the day, I want these to feel like we are having a conversation, and you are my confidant. I want the personality back. And yes, my life is insane, there is chaos, it is not all happiness and excitement, but so is everyone else’s and it feels unfair and disingenuous to pretend to be upbeat and happy all the time. With this being said, from here on out, I will be keeping a vision of sitting at a coffeeshop and we are simply having a cup of coffee with conversation, instead of the vision I have been having of me being on a stage while being scrutinized. So, grab a beverage, pull up a chair, and let’s get chatting.

I have been back in ETX since mid-December. Those who remember my last posting of being back home and the whirlwind of emotions that brought on (Post #2), may remember that there was this air of nostalgia and peace of being back in the pine tree forests of my homeland. And yes, I am grateful for the opportunity to be back home and with my family for this time, but the previous feelings I held before have diminished. I would love to come back after my hiatus of writing and say that I did not write in February because I was simply seizing every opportunity thrown at me by this little piece of heartland, however, that would be a lie. These fleeting past threeish months can be summarized by Italian food, reading, yoga, and schoolwork. Exhilarating, I know. Before coming back, I was offered the opportunity to travel to Maine, and as exciting that is, it is also a massive cross-country road trip. And road trips require $$$. So I knew that I needed to work as much as I possibly could before I could even think about getting in my car in April, and this is what I have been doing. I have been in the restaurant that I worked at whenever I was 16, and then 22, and now again at 23. I am grateful for being able to simply ask for my job back and it being given to me, however after getting done with a job that required creativity and adventure, serving pizza and pasta hundreds of times a week gets a little stale. But sacrifices must be made to accomplish the end goal. On top of that, I am back in school and have been trying to get as much done as possible before being MIA for about a week while on my trip up to the northern coast. However, I have been doing yoga about 2-3 times a week while being back and this has been proved to be very useful and a source of happiness to me during this period of my life. I have always been interested in yoga, and have loved it, but had never really understood what people meant when they said that they go to yoga classes to get away from the stress of their daily lives. I fully understand it now. It has become my way of shutting off everything that is going on around me. All the stress, confusion, disappointment, simply dissipates whenever the mat is rolled out. I am so thankful for being able to have found this during my time here and is something that I can carry with me wherever I travel to. This coupled with my reading habits has been proven to be most useful during the times of anxiety and irritation I have felt with being back home. Some call it escapism; I call it surviving. And I am not taking opinions on it lol.

If I had to pick a single word to describe this slice of time of being back here in the piney woods, it would be pressure. I have felt pressure every moment since being back. Pressure to save as much money as possible while also paying bills. Pressure to plan this trip. Pressure to complete and ace schoolwork. Pressure to see everyone and spend time with them before leaving. Pressure to replicate the same feelings and experiences of the last time of being back home. Pressure to remain happy and motivated throughout this season. And I have realized that being an adult is simply dealing with pressure. Not ignoring it, as tempting as it sounds, but just being able to juggle all the pressure in a healthy way. Enter yoga. Enter reading. Enter this blog. The way of adult life is to have so much pressure and channel it into something productive while also making sure you don’t crack under the stress. It is exhausting. I am not having a good time lol. I am aware that I sound like I have never experienced pressure before, I have. But I feel like it comes and goes in waves. The amount of pressure changes during the seasons of life and this season is kicking my butt. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Finally. As I write this, I have 22 days left here. When you read this, it will be 16. The countdown is on. The pressure is mounting. But the payoff will be huge. This motivation is what has dragged me through the past 90something days. Throughout all the disappointment, the change of plans, the waning hope, the anticipation. It is almost here. And I…. don’t feel anything towards it.

I know. Not the reaction that was expected. I am not sure why the excitement and joy has not kicked in yet. It could be a whole mix of things. Maybe it isn’t close enough yet. Maybe I have put so much thought into it already that the fact that it is now happening hasn’t quite hit me yet. Maybe it is that I have not done as much as I did the last time. Maybe it is the knowledge that I have to say goodbye in the next 16 days. It is safe to say that plans have drastically changed since December. The person that was going to be traveling with me is no longer going to. My family is now going to make the trip up there with me and I am grateful for this and excited about it. However, as I have mentioned before, I am not good with plans changing at a drop of a hat. I am a planner. I am Type A. I have had this trip planned out since December. Which is insane to most, yes. But it is how I roll. And these plans have changed. A lot. More than I ever wanted them to. So maybe my apprehension and lack of joy is brought on with the fact that not only have plans changed, but they also changed in a way that I was not prepared for. I would be lying if I was not sad about this. I am deeply sad and upset and have been trying my very best to keep it together and remain focused on the goal. But I am having a hard time with these changes. I am still excited to go to Maine, but it does feel like a far-off result still. But in 16 days, my parents and I will begin making the 2000 mile drive up to Acadia National Park, and the trip will be fun. At least for me, I did plan it😉. And I am sure I will be posting a lot on my socials so be sure to check those out. This pressure was not the kind that I was wanting during this trip, but here we are. And I am going to make it through. And it is going to be absolutely amazing and fun.

Well, happy March everyone. I hope the enter of spring is a source of happiness and comfort to you. It sure is for me. I love the sun being out again. I appreciate your time and energy to reading this installment. I appreciate all of you and love hearing from each of you. We got this. Pressure is nothing compared to us. We can handle anything. Right? Right??? Anyways. The next time I write, will be April 15. And I will be in Maine… wow. That sounds crazy right now. Thank you for everything. I wish nothing but the best for each of you. Pick up a book, do some yoga, bask in the sunshine, spend time with those you love. I will see you out there.

-          N